Fear of commitment, known as commitment phobia, has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own.
Once we believe that we are responsible for another’s feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over the other person’s feelings. This will always eventually lead to resentment.
The fear of commitment stems from two main sources:
- Believing that you’re responsible for his/her feelings and that you are a bad and selfish person if you do anything that upset him/her.
- You’re afraid that if he/she felt hurt, he/she would get angry and reject you.
As a result of these two fears, we continually gave up on ourselves in relationships. However, giving ourselves up will create such resentment toward our partner that we’d eventually not want to be with them anymore and leave the relationship.
In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselves.
Commitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger or rejection.
If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the Inner Bonding work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal freedom.